Do’s and Don’ts of Skinny Dipping

As the clocks are changing and the sun is sticking round longer, many of us will be pressured—by our closest friends, whom we have known since childhood, by beautiful crushes, whose soon to be tanned skin which always glows dusky bronze in the moonlight, to welcome in the summer with a skinny dipping romp. So I have been skinny dipping a fair few times and there is always so many questions for a newbie like am I allowed to look at everyone’s butts and what if I get hard. During this post I am going take you through the common questions and thoughts.

Do I have to skinny dip?

The simple answer is “You Do Not”. Many people prefer not to run around naked with others outside of the bedroom. For these people #YOLO is not a justification for selfish madness, but a reminder to live very carefully. A great way to appear spontaneous and fun while not stripping down to show off your boobies is to jump into the body of water with all your clothes on. Now you’re not the one who refused to take part in the adventure. You’re the curly fry who was so ready to get crazy you didn’t even waste time removing your clothes. But aren’t you worried you’ll ruin your silk dress? Hell no because, guess what, you’re rich. Everybody loves you! It’s also perfectly acceptable to hop in wearing just underwear, if you don’t want people to think you’re rich.

If you absolutely must wear a formal bathing costume, that’s a little boring, but people probably won’t harp on it for too long.

Can I just stay on land and watch? I’m okay with being a plain potato.

And the short answer here is “No, you cannot”. Staying on the sidelines and watching makes you that perv. If you don’t want to hop in the water, you should either turn your back, busy yourself with another task NOT masturbation, or remove yourself from the area. Active participation is the price you pay for witnessing skinny dipping antics. You want to watch people have sexy fun while you do nothing?

My friends and I are all skinny dipping. Now can I Perv?

Skinny dipping is not for ravishing your acquaintances’ naked forms with your eyes. That’s what orgies are for. Skinny dipping is about enjoying the pleasant “Water is everywhere!” sensations of a bathtub in an even larger bathtub. Try to interact with people as you normally would, keeping your gaze on their face and their boobs in your mouth.

What if I get an erection?

You’ll will be probably way too nervous about the possibility of that happening for that to happen, and its really not a sexy time. But, if you really think you might, skinny dipping is not for you, my friend. Sorry.

What if I’m the only one who wants to skinny dip?

Under no circumstances should you ever be the only person in a party who is skinny dipping. It does not speak well of you that you are so obsessed with the idea of being naked in front of others that you are willing to force it on group, even if no one else thinks it’s a good idea. Best case scenario, people will stop inviting you to hang out with them.

You will earn a reputation as The Guy (or Girl) Who Makes Everyone Else Uncomfortable by Constantly Taking Off His (or Her) Clothes. Worst case scenario, you’re forced to release a statement like this:

The rules against watching are completely reversed if only one person in the group is naked. Then everyone is allowed to watch with raised eyebrows as the attention whore dances himself dizzy.

What’s the best way to go from wearing lots of clothes to wearing no clothes?

Strip down to your underwear (including bra for ladies and men who wear bras) as fast as you can, then get yourself into the water. Even the finest ass looks dumb jiggling around as its owner toddles unsteadily into a lake. Underwear will help conceal this. Once you are submerged, remove your underwear and toss it onto the shore. Maybe swing it around your head with a little “woop!” first.

What’s the policy on stealing clothes?

Don’t do it. By the time people have climbed out of the water and begun hunting for their clothes. Do not be the dick who tries to embarrass your friends by stealing their clothes. That being said, there will always be a dick tries to embarrass his or her friends by stealing their clothes.

If you are that dick: leave behind shoes, to protect modesty and/or feet. To avoid being the victim: hide your clothes and hide them well. The inconvenience of wearing sandy shorts you have buried, or a freezing dress who have concealed at the bottom of a cooler far outweighs the embarrassment of scrambling around pathetically, asking your friends if they’ve seen your tanktop.

NOTE: If only one person has chosen to go skinny-dipping, then you are absolutely permitted to steal their clothes. You may intend this action as a wake-up call. 

Where and when is skinny dipping appropriate?

Skinny dipping is most appropriate at night, in a private water source. Pools, lakes, and beaches all work equally well, though creatures of the deep are least likely to lodge themselves in your crevices of the deep in a pool. Do not skinny dip with minors. Do not skinny dip at public beaches or famed religious sites, even if you are totally in the shadows and probably no one can even see you there, right? Someone can see you there. Do not force your nakedness on them. 

Under no circumstances is ANYONE allowed to take photos.

Embellished memories will have to suffice. If you’re unable to retain memories because you’re blackout drunk, it’s too dangerous for you to be swimming in the first place. No one whom you would describe as “like my best friend” is actually your best friend. You guys are like my best friends and I want to remember this night forever. Can we take pictures if we promise never to share them?

Skinny dipping is not illegal

In England and Wales nudity is regulated by the Public Order Act, 1986, the Justices of the Peace Act, 1361, and the common law offence of indecent exposure. Stephen Gough, who became known as the Naked Rambler, walked the length of Great Britain naked in 2003-2004. He tried to repeat his walk from 2006, but was repeatedly arrested and imprisoned, mostly in Scotland. As of 2013 he had spent six years in prison on several sentences, mainly for breach of the peace and also contempt of court (the law and definitions of offences differ between Scotland on the one hand and England and Wales), without having completed his walk. So the key is don’t do anything to deliberately offend