How BDSM can help with anxiety and low self-esteem
Ok so todays post is going to be about how BDSM is helping me be a better me and really does help me deal with the anxiety and low self-esteem I have for myself.
Talking about BDSM with people lots I see there minds go in one of two directions.
There is thoughts of Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism and they’ll think of those intimidating sex shops where you press a buzzer and a guy in rubber pants opens the door (Not like our shop I only wear rubber when not at work 🙂 ), or of a local charity shop with wrinkled copies of Fifty Shades of Grey. Stripped of all pop culture it generally boils down to dominance and submission between consenting parties, often, but not always, for sexual gratification.
Playing with power, pain and pleasure I’m a dominant.
I
n BDSM one may be the dominant/top, and the other the submissive/bottom (as with all of the subcultures, we have our own language). So within a pre-agreed timeframe and pre-agreed parameters generally know as a scene, the dominant is in charge, and free to exert their dominance as they see fit.
It can be just subtle verbal instructions – “sit at my feet and get me my drink” – or as explicit as tying a sub down and inflicting pain or pleasure. It’s a way of playing with power dynamics, transgression, pain and pleasure. Struggling with low confidence prior to doing this, I’ve always felt I was rubbish in bed. Yes having slept with close to 60 people before finding my true Dom side I had my first sexual experience with a adult woman when I was 15 she was twice my age and we did the deed in a toilet. A growth spurts as a teenager left me awkward, looking older than I was, gangly, and with only the faintest sense of where my limbs end. On top of that, I’m one of nature’s worriers. What if
I’m being boring? What if I’m weird? What if my depression holds me back? These thoughts are present all the time, it’s just they get worse when I’m being physically intimate with someone.
This is partly down to general anxiety and partly because, for as long as I can remember, I’ve had appallingly low self-esteem. Intellectually, I know it’s nonsense. I’m tall, bit bigger than average build and attractive in the right light, but even years of medicine haven’t allowed my mind to think I’m not some horrible goblin of a man.
It affects every aspect of my life, but during sex is the worst. I am a nudest when i can so have learnt that everyone bodies are different and that i shouldn’t I lie back and look at my stomach thinking “Ugh. You’re disgusting.” But sometimes I can’t enjoy the moment because I’m so wrapped up with resentment of my own body. It’s fucking stupid. I know it is, but that doesn’t change a thing.
Acting important with all this emotional baggage, it came as a surprise when I found myself becoming interested in the BDSM scene, and an even bigger surprise when I turned out to be good at it. On paper, being dominant is the worst thing for an anxious human. You have to take control, you have to act like you’re the most important person in the room hell, in the world and you have to believe it.
It’s hard to imagine anything more stressful for someone with terrible self-esteem than demanding that a person do something and having the confidence that they will obey, but its so true after I started identifying as a Dom FUCK it was amazing I doubled my sexual numbers in a lot shorter time and was loving sex and intimate times again!
For a few hours, I’m confident and at ease in my own skin. Having been part of the scene for a few years, I’m constantly astonished at how liberating it can actually be. When I’m playing with a sub, I get to be someone else. I’m not Jon this horrible, fat loser, riddled with doubt and nagging insecurities: I’m their master. I’m sexy and scary and you’re lucky to kiss my feet. It takes me out of my own head and gives me a holiday from being me. I can shake off my daily worries and play a character.
For a few hours, I’m confident and at ease in my own skin. Knowing someone trusts you Weirdly, this sensation sticks around. I’ve found myself becoming more and more confident in my day to day life. And yes it is completely the fake it til you make it, plus the confidence that comes from knowing that someone trusts you enough, wants you enough, to submit to you and all the horrible, wonderful things you plan to do to them. After all, if someone is that comfortable with you, surely you can’t be all that bad?
BDSM is hard work, but can be deeply rewarding.
Obviously this isn’t for everyone. A BDSM relationship requires an extraordinary amount of trust between both parties. Agreements have to be reached, limits have to be set, and respect and openness are the main things. For me, as well as being sexy, thrilling, it’s a wonderful way to take a little break from my seemingly innate dislike of myself, and to end up smiling and sweaty with my sub as we hug, reassure each other, and both emerge walking that little bit taller. Comment below and tell us how you feel when you are Doming or subbing does it help you?
